Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
