I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
