It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
