Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
