i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
