Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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