party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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