I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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