can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
