She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
