Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
