Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
