chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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