I want to walk on stilts...naked
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
