Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
