Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
