Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
