dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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