I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
