After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
