Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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