I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
