Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
