I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
