I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
