I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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