I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
