Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
