I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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