She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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