I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I FOUND THE LEGS
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
