I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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