You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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