If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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