he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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