There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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