Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
