I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
