im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
