so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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