I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
