Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
