he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
