Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Randomize
