i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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