The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
