$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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