Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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