Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
