I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
