My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
